What New Parents Really Want from Friends & Family (But Don’t Say Out Loud)
The best ways to support newborns and their families, as told by new moms themselves.
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When a new baby arrives, it can be hard to resist lavishing them with all your love. But when you think about what to gift the baby, be sure to consider their parents, too. After all, in the midst of this delirious, time-has-no-meaning newborn moment, parents’ wants and needs are constantly changing. And even if they know what they need from you right now, they might have a hard time communicating it.
“In the early stages of postpartum, parents are often feeding their baby around the clock, still recovering and operating on very little sleep— which can impact so much of their functioning,” says Dr. Cassidy Freitas, LMFT, author of Mom Needs a Moment. “They're navigating appointments for themselves, for the baby, for lactation. They're just trying to get to know this new little person and figure out this brand new thing.”
That said, you can show up for new parents in a bevy of simple, concrete ways that will truly help them feel supported and cared for.
1. Agree on the best time to visit the new baby
So many people want to visit a new baby. We get it—they’re adorable, tiny, and they have that new baby smell going for them. But it’s important to make sure you’re respecting boundaries as you do so.
To ensure you’re showing up for the whole family in a way that aligns with their needs, ask parents when you should visit, come ready to help in whatever way parents need you to pitch in and be prepared to switch up the game plan. You’ll also want to be prepared to make your visit short, if necessary, and come with food.
Ultimately, take cues from the parent. They may be in need of human contact or completely overwhelmed by trying to host.
2. Avoid kissing the baby—for now
Infants’ innate cuteness fuels a natural impulse to shower them with kisses, but acting on that impulse may make new parents more than a little nervous. In fact, there are lots of reasons why doctors advise against visitors kissing newborns—especially on the face, lips or hands—given the risks associated with passing on a virus like whooping cough, flu or RSV to a weeks-old infant whose immune system is still developing.
In addition to steering clear of kissing, you’ll set new parents’ minds at ease by washing your hands before coming in close contact with the baby.
3. Offer to help in specific ways
When you care about both the new parents and the newborn baby, you want to support them in any way you can. Still, it can be tricky to figure out how to help lighten the load for the family. In turn, you may be tempted to ask, “What can I do to help?” or to say, “Let me know what you need.” But these approaches, while well-intentioned, are more loaded than you might realize.
“They put the responsibility back on an already overwhelmed parent to identify, delegate and coordinate support,” explains Selby Blum, AMFT, a therapist at The Mother Hood, a maternal mental health practice in Los Angeles. “Specific offers reduce decision fatigue and make it easier for new parents to accept help.”
Freitas agrees, adding, “I hear a lot of moms say, ‘I don't know what I need. I know I need something, but I don't have the capacity to identify what it is, anticipate what it might be, [or] figure it out. Asking ‘how can I help?’ can turn the new parent into the manager of their own support.”
So, instead of giving them one more job, consider offering to tackle something specific. “The specificity makes it easy for the parent to just say ‘yes,’ ‘no’ or make a small adjustment to what's being offered,” explains Freitas.
A few ways you can offer to pitch in, according to Blum:
Drop off a meal, groceries or coffee and pastries
Organize a meal train for friends and family
Wash the dishes, clean up the kitchen and throw in a load of laundry
Help with older children by doing school drop-off, packing lunches or planning an outing
Offer to care for the baby while the parent showers, rests or takes a break
Listen when they share what tasks feel hardest right now, and offer support in that area
Freitas recommends offering precise choices, like, “I'd love to bring dinner on a specific day. I can do Sunday or Tuesday? Would pasta or burritos work?" And when in doubt, try to think of an offer that’s concrete, easy to decline and low-pressure, she advises.
If parents do pass, offer different, specific types of help the following week and the week after. Some parents will take you up on the offer, and some may not. Regardless of their response, they will appreciate that you were thinking of them.
4. Make sure you have permission before posting on social media
If you are a proud new family member, it’s tempting to throw up a post celebrating the baby’s arrival.
But it’s important to bear in mind that parents likely have their own opinion on acceptable social sharing of their baby’s name and photos, and it’s the parents’ prerogative as to what, when and how they post photos on social media.
Be sure to ask parents before you post anything about the baby. And if they say they would prefer you abstain entirely, respect their wishes.
5. Focus on lending an ear as opposed to sharing unsolicited advice
It can be tempting to share all your words of wisdom about caring for a newborn with a new parent. After all, if you’ve been there, you would love to help them steer clear of your own missteps. But every baby is different, and everyone’s parenting journey is unique. Most new parents would prefer loved ones simply listen to the details of their feeding or sleep struggles versus share tips that are inevitably based on their own experience.
“New parents often need space to process and feel heard before they need solutions,” says Blum. “When you offer a listening ear, you’re saying ‘Your experience matters,’ while unsolicited advice can unintentionally make parents feel judged or as though they are doing something wrong.”
Once they’re in a place where they’re ready to receive advice, reassures Blum, “they will absolutely ask.” And in those moments, whether you’re a seasoned pro at swaddling, bathing, diapering or sleep training, they’ll likely be happy to benefit from your wisdom.
6. Respect new parents’ boundaries
It can be challenging for new parents to set boundaries and for grandparents, relatives and friends to accept them. But whether they’re asking you to visit only at set times or they prefer to stick to certain rules related to sleep, what they need the most from you is respect for the boundaries they set.
“Respecting new parents’ boundaries is one of the fastest ways to build trust, and show them that you are a safe person to have around,” points out Blum. “When loved ones honor their decisions and support them in their new role, parents are more likely to feel safe, confident and eager to include them as part of their family's village. Respecting boundaries around visits, advice, feeding, sleep and caregiving helps parents feel supported rather than judged.”
You can always ask questions or have a thoughtful conversation about how and why they are making decisions. Just be sure to lead with curiosity rather than judgment, advises Blum.
This might look like saying, “I can see you’ve put a lot of thought into this. How did you decide what felt right for your family?” or simply, “I’d love to learn more about this so I can help next time,” which shows interest and openness, notes Blum. “These types of questions invite connection, rather than making parents feel like they need to defend their decisions,” she adds.
When you see a new parent, remember that there is a lot going on under the surface. They may be struggling with being polite versus honest. Or they might be working through the desire to feel like the person they were before having a child versus getting more comfortable with a new version of themselves. No matter what their current experience looks like, you can focus on being with them in whatever way they need.
“The most important thing loved ones can do is show up consistently—make the call, send that text, bring food—with compassion and without judgment,” notes Blum. “If they need space, that’s OK, too.”
Either way, they will really appreciate knowing that you’re on their team and rooting for them to succeed. Ultimately, as Blum concludes, “New parents don’t need perfection. They need to feel supported, seen and reminded that they don’t have to navigate this alone.”
