How to Help the New Parents in Your Life—Long After the Newborn Days

When your loved one, sibling, best friend or child first entered the trenches of new parenthood, you likely felt confident about how to show up for them. Maybe you dropped off groceries, kickstarted their baby’s book collection with a gift bag full of beloved titles, held their newborn for a bit so they could take a shower or texted with them in the middle of the night when they were grappling with feeding challenges. Months later, you might find yourself wondering how they’re doing and wanting to pitch in but feeling unsure of what would actually be helpful now that they’re past the newborn phase.

As someone who loves a new parent, you’re far from alone in feeling this way. “There's so much cultural attention on the newness of the baby,” points out Dr. Cassidy Freitas, LMFT, author of Mom Needs a Moment. “We know what to do—you send a meal train, you visit—because it's visible and exciting.”

But the tricky thing is that right as the adrenaline and newness is wearing off, sleep deprivation starts to pile up and parents might be navigating a return to work, says Freitas. Even if, on the outside, it might look like life is getting back to normal, new parents are building a brand-new normal in the middle of major transition, she adds. 

That said, showing up for new parents during this crucial window matters more than they might realize. Thankfully, there are plenty of concrete ways to pitch in. 

Why Support Fades When the Newborn Phase Ends

Once new parents’ detailed notes on every feeding, nap and diaper change morph into more predictable routines and several milestones have zoomed by, it can be more challenging for loved ones to offer help—and for parents to ask for it.  

As someone who cares about a new parent, you might not want to impose on a new family, especially as one or both partners return to work and have less time with the baby, acknowledges Seana Diemer Iwanyk, LMFT, a therapist at The Mother Hood, a maternal mental health practice in Los Angeles. You might be under the impression that the birthing parent will have recovered physically from the birth or that parents have "figured it out" at this point, but it’s also uncommon to simply be unsure of how to help someone with an older infant, adds Iwanyk.

“It might feel more obvious to bring over dinner and do the dishes when there's a newborn, but not necessarily when there's a huge sleep regression,” she points out.

At the same time, new parents themselves might hesitate to reach out to loved ones for support several months in, because they don’t want to seem needy or feel like that a certain crisis window that calls for extra hands on deck has passed. 

“Asking requires vulnerability,” says Freitas. “It also requires clarity on what you actually want and need, and that [requires] extra energy to figure out that clarity. [But] by this point, parents are exhausted.” 

They might also be comparing themselves to other parents on social media who are in a similar stage and appear to be handling everything easily, and comparison can lead to shame, which keeps new parents silent, says Freitas. “Parents worry about being a burden, about asking for too much, about letting people really see how messy and hard it is,” she explains. 

Why This Stretch Is Often Harder Than the Newborn Days 

Several months into parenthood, converging factors often create a perfect storm that makes life even tougher in some ways than it was during the newborn phase. “Newborns are difficult, of course, but as babies get older, there are new and different challenges that don't often get the same level of attention,” says Iwanyk. 

For instance, new parents may be returning to work without any vacation or sick time to lean on and contending with daycare germs, sleep regressions and an increasingly mobile child. They’re also lugging a growing mental load of logistics to manage work deadlines, child care and attempts to fit in self-care. 

“Daycare illnesses can wipe out the whole family, force parents to take time off work, find time for doctor's appointments and cause huge levels of stress,” points out Iwanyk. “If parents are done with leave and a sleep regression occurs, they often have to just work through having had little-to-no-sleep the night before. More mobile babies require more attention and have different skill sets for care than a newborn. They often require constant supervision which makes it so much more difficult to get anything done.” 

That said, while even the most well-meaning supporters might assume that an older child means less stress, “in reality, new challenges can arise week-to-week that are brand-new,” says Iwanyk. 

Given what a tricky time it can be, there’s a strong case to offer ongoing support.

Practical, Low-Lift Ways to Show Up for New Parents

Checking in regularly over the course of that first year—especially the first six months—can be hugely beneficial for new parents, says Freitas. And whether you live a plane ride away or right down the street, have an hour a month or several hours a week to offer, there are simple, concrete offers that new parents will find easy to accept and that will make a real difference. 

The key is being specific and avoiding well-intentioned but general offers of help like, “Let me know any time you'd like me to babysit" or “Let me know if you need anything," says Iwanyk. “[This requires] parents to either come up with a task they're not even sure if you'd be willing to take, or, for babysitting, go through the hoops of wondering if you're serious about the offer, if it's rude to ask if you've had First Aid training, wondering how long the offer stands or what is too much to ask, etc.”

Several specific, low-lift offers that new parents might find useful, according to the experts we spoke to:

• Offer to drop off dinner. You might ask if you can bring a new parent’s favorite take-out meal over on a particular night. 

• Let them know when you’re headed to the grocery store and ask, “What can I leave at your door?”

• Ask if they need any errands they need to run and offer to accompany them so you can split baby duty while on-the-go.

• Suggest that you come hold the baby while they nap or shower.

• Say you can fold laundry while they have quiet time with the baby.

• Ask, “Would it help if I took the baby for a walk?”

• Offer to come by and do the dishes or help organize baby clothes or toys. 

• Send a text that acknowledges there's a need for reconnection and showing up again. You might say something like, ”I know life is probably really full, so no pressure to respond, but I'm thinking of you. Here are several ways I can pitch in, and I'm available on these particular days.” 

• If you live far away, ask for a picture of the baby, and check in on the parent themselves by asking, “How are you doing?”

• For long-term support, contribute directly to a child’s college fund right from the family’s registry with Babylist's Early Investor tool, which is an easy and meaningful way to support a family over the long haul. 

You can keep any offer low-pressure by giving the parent an out while simultaneously letting them know you’re available either way, says Freitas. This might look like saying, "I'm here for you, and today might not be a good day at all, and that's OK too. I'll check in another time.” Then, be sure to follow up with that check-in.

How to Help Without Overstepping

When you’re supporting a new parent, consider taking the following steps to be sure you’re reducing their stress and showing up as a low-stakes, genuinely soothing presence. 

Read Their Clues 

When you’re spending time with a new parent or offering support by checking in with them via FaceTime or a phone call, you’ll do well to “pay attention to what they are showing you they need versus strictly thinking of the kind of help you want to give,” explains Kira Sadaka, MSEd, a parent coach and group facilitator with The Mother Hood in Los Angeles. 

For example, you may note that they’re happy to see you but they’re obviously exhausted after an hour. Or maybe they’re saying something indirect like, “I think the baby really needs a nap right now. She’s looking tired,” says Freitas. “You can say, ‘OK, would it be helpful if I head out? I can run out and get you lunch?’” she advises. “Or ‘Do you want me to help put the baby down while you rest? Whatever you need, I’m here for you.’”   

Offer Versus Impose

As someone who wants to be there for a parent several months into welcoming their newborn, your best bet is to steer clear of requiring them to host and expecting them to show up perfectly, says Freitas. 

“Bring your own coffee, bring them a coffee, do a task without needing instructions,” she explains. “The kind of supportive presence [parents] want is someone who can show up and [say], ‘You don’t have to take care of me while I’m here. You don’t have to perform or be perfect while I’m here.’” 

Skip Unsolicited Advice and Questions

Even well-meaning questions and unsolicited advice can add pressure to an already hard moment. Skip timing-based questions like "Is the baby sleeping through the night yet?" or "How long do you plan to nurse?" These can make a parent feel like their child and their parenting is "being measured against some invisible timeline," says Sadaka. 

The same goes for saying, "Enjoy every minute." "It's well-intentioned, but enjoying every minute is impossible, because we're human, and there are moments that are going to be so hard," says Freitas. Instead, share what was hard for you, like the days that felt so long. It normalizes the experience and can be a "really beautiful gift" for a new parent. By wearing your heart on your sleeve, you might inspire them to do the same.

What Showing Up Over the Long-Haul Looks Like

Given how many different obstacles continue to arise for new parents as the months go by, it’s crucial that loved ones remember to offer ongoing support that evolves with the family’s needs. 

“Ideally, long-term support looks like continued presence,” points out Sadaka. It also means new parents feel like they have a network of ”people they can rely on and trust who are able to step up and step in when [they] need help, a break, advice or just a shoulder to lean on, so [they don’t find themselves] holding everything alone.”

This means showing up over the course of the first year and beyond, staying present and remembering milestones. Constancy is key. “Keep showing up,” advises Freitas. “Be consistent with it. Be flexible with it. Take the burden of deciding off of their plate. [Let] them know you're there in a way that's full of love, but that also honors that they're navigating something new themselves and are still figuring out what they need too.”

Ultimately, you’ll be showing up for the new parent in your life because you know what's best for their family and baby to have well parents, concludes Freitas. “You want to be part of that support system,” she says. As long as that’s the message you emphasize time and again, you'll become an integral part of the village they didn’t know they needed.